South of Moosonee 18

-17F/-32F

It’s starting to warm up. There was a forty below stretch a week ago. It lasted about ten days. It feels like prison when it gets that cold. You can’t do anything, it’s too cold. If you breath too deep when you go outside it hurts. All your nose hairs freeze and eventually your eye lashes build up ice and freeze together. Once is goes up to minus twenty if feels like spring.

*

Rehearsed at my house for the St. Pats gig, in our living room.

Mikes’ sister was there to sing Gold dust Woman by Fleetwood Mac. Crystal and I started screwing around imitating Stevie Nicks’ voice. Mikes’ sister got mad, she thought we were making fun of her. I didn’t think anyone as beautiful and popular as her would care what anyone thought or did. Maybe deep down inside we’re all just tiny bits of terrified flesh.

*

I talked to Mike a while ago about going to Europe and travelling with a Euro-pass. I had this fantasy of having a big adventure in another country. I don’t think I understood the difficulty of planning it, but I was sure I could figure it out. I thought we could do this after graduation. He was into it at first. But now seems to be backing out. He is my last friend to keep knowing me outside of doing music, and now I’m sure he is gone.

*

Went to St. Pats with Marcel. We sat down with the Priest, father…I’m not sure what you call him. We talked about the details of the show. Marcel seemed to be good friends with him. I looked at him in his robe. I wondered what it would be like to never have to worry about being with someone else. Would the relief turn to loneliness? Would that loneliness go away? Does he pray it away? What’s it like to never have to worry about sex?

*

Talked to Mark, got some hash oil.

We might do some music again.

*

Whenever my mom would go up for communion at church, we would take turns smelling her breath when she sat back down. It had a sweet smell to it. Mom said it was port.

*

When I was in Physics class today, this guy I used to know called me Gregoreena while we were at the back of the class picking up papers for an assignment. He was making a joke by turning my name into a weird female version. He wasn’t joking with me but trying to impress Rose who was standing beside him. It was that crazy shit were guys try to attract girls by insulting someone who they see as competition. He has no idea I’m not competition. Before I could say anything Rose basically told him to fuck off and stop trying to insult me. Rose is Marcel sister. I like her. I also liked watching the shit eating grin on this guys face disappear as he tried to talk his way out of the insult.

*

Julie and I are still sort of going out. I can’t remember how we met but I remember being attracted to her energy. I am pulled by something deeper. This might be an alien thing.

*

Dad goes to Timmins this weekend, that means we can order Chinese food. It’s so much easier when he is gone. The house feels more relaxed, like a home should. Ever since he started his business and now works at home, the house if filled with tension. There is no where to get away. The only escape is inside my head.

*

One more week till the St. Patrick’s church show.

We’re going to start with Jumping Jack Flash. I made the final set list and marked the songs we need to work on and the songs that are done.

I love lists.

*

(click) - Jutta tape

I just had the oddest visit. (Sound of chair moving) Stephanie, a young girl from the main floor, who just moved in, knocked on my door and wanted to talk to me. She is sweet, long blond hair that hasn’t seen a comb in months, part of that hippy thing. I think there are a bunch of them living in the same apartment. I am surprised they are here, your father is usually careful about who he lets in. I mean, they seem harmless, but I’ve read about the Manson murders, who knows, one of them could be a copycat killer. What if Stephanie is just trying to see inside my apartment, figure out the easiest way to kill me. (laugh) I didn’t think about that at the time, I just noticed how worn out the bottom of her bell bottoms were and how skinny she was. (pause) She came in without an invitation and sat down at the small table I have by my window. I was going to ask her to leave but she started crying. I asked what was wrong and as she cleaned up her face with the Kleenex I gave her, she said this… “I have to sort myself out, so I can be of service. There isn’t one part of me that doesn’t have the will, but I don’t know how.” – she paused here and I was about to say something, but she continued- “I mean, I know how, but.” – she stared at me and I could see she was somewhere else, she grabbed my hands, I wanted to get her out of my apartment but I also wanted to hear more, she added- “I can feel your energy, I know I am connected to you, something brought me to your door.” – ok, by this time I needed her to leave, she was beginning to scare me, plus, I could really start to smell her unwashed hair, and body, but before I could figure out how to politely and safely guider her to the door, she got up, walked out and closed the door behind her. I immediately locked the door and will from now on. I think they do a lot of drugs, she was clearly on something when she came here. That scares me the most, a brain that is being teased with chemicals, no one knows what that will do.

(Click)

*

Tobogganing is weird. You go really fast down a hill on a wooden object and hope you don’t get hurt. Skiing is like having two toboggans on your feet. We would toboggan on a hill near Munday street. There was a funeral home right beside the hill. I thought it was strange, laughing and having fun right beside a place that had dead bodies and sadness. One time we all got on a toboggan and went down the side of a hill that had cement under the snow. We hit a piece of cement and my sister flew forward from the back and smashed her face. She was bleeding and we had to go home. I thought it was kind of funny because they put me in the front of the toboggan so they wouldn’t get hurt.

*

This guy in one of my classes had a sister that was killed last night. She was ski-doing and went head on into a tree. She was a passenger and flew over the person who was driving. What is that moment like, right after that happens.